Mental Health Update

(Originally posted on X on 11-5-24)

Alright, can't sleep. Here goes nothing.

I'm doing fine. Kind of. It's hard to explain. Let's start by discussing this year.

2024 has, in its simplest form, been a year to recover from 2023. After the end of my longest relationship in my life and the first time getting let go from my job, I was in a pretty dark place. Throw clinical depression and social anxiety on top of that, and it can be easy to see how a pile was stacked against me that would be seemingly impossible to overcome.

I wouldn't say I'm back yet, which is the hardest part. It's been about a year and a half, and while I feel glimpses of myself shining through sometimes, the truth is that I wake up more days than I'd like haunted. I've learned a lot, and I've taken much of this year to help myself in whatever capacity I can. Unapologetically, I've made this year about myself and seeing what I can do to improve my mental health.

In some ways, I've made serious strides. My therapy sessions feel more productive than ever before. It was truly a blessing that I was already enrolled in therapy before all these changes occurred in my life, and I credit a big part of my ability to continue to retain employment despite feeling like a shell of myself to both this accidental preparation, as well as my ability to secure a remote job after being let go from my previous position. I'm very confident if you saw me walk the halls of an office every day, it'd be clear that something is wrong, but through Teams messages and maximizing the time I feel best, I can get my stuff done and keep people at work happy with my efforts.

On better days, I feel grateful for this. On less fun days, I see the mountain of work that still lies before me. There are so many things that I want to do. Things I was once capable of and things I dreamt of. These things feel so out of reach now. Even simple things. Let me explain.

While I've noticed a generally better ability to function than previous depressive episodes of my life, it's still not a highly functional state. There was a period at the beginning of 2024 when I couldn't speak to a bartender or waiter because my social anxiety was so bad that no words came out. Not only was I not going out much, but I could do very little alone as my ability to advocate for myself and speak to others was slowly deteriorating in front of me.

These conditions make things that are seemingly very easy to other people very difficult. I still struggle mightily to get out of my comfort zone. I'm afraid of running into people that I haven't seen since before 2023, much as I'm afraid of seeing people who knew me before previous depressive episodes. Not everyone understands and it's difficult to explain sometimes.

I've done probably less work this year than any previous year of my life, meaning I've only focused on my day job and trying to grow DepressiveHacks. Usually, in previous years, I was juggling many more jobs or work opportunities at a time.

My energy levels overall haven't been great. I'm working through how to improve that, but I've dedicated at least 2 days a week to doing nothing, knowing that I'm going to struggle to get much done those days. I try to maximize the days that I feel okay to get things done.

This has been life this year. I've spent more time alone than I ever have in my life, and I fear that will increase in 2025. It's not all bad. I've had time to think and work through some things. Time to learn more about myself as a person. Why I have such terrible self-esteem. Why I don't feel happiness like other people do. Therapy has been a godsend, did I mention that? I wouldn't be here without it.

This has all been very honest and I still struggle with the balance of being transparent and not wanting to worry people. I just wanted to be very candid because I often sugarcoat my experience to not worry people. I'll say it's a good day or a bad day, but I won't explain what that means or why. Sometimes, there is no reason why. Sometimes, it just is. That's why it's clinical. Sometimes, it all doesn't feel worth it. Sometimes, the amount of work left to be done is overwhelming and I just want to give up. Not saying it doesn't make it less true.

I'm writing this following a particularly bad day, but not every day is like this and I'm happy to report progress in better taking care of what I need to get through days like this one. I envision a day when I wake up and I feel more like myself again on a consistent basis. I had one of my best days in years about a month ago, so I know things are headed in the right direction after a year of radical acceptance - aka just do whatever is necessary to walk this journey forward and basically rehabilitate myself as a human from the inside out.

It's a lot of work to get to know yourself. It's painful. It can lead you places you don't like. This is why a lot of people don't do that work. I like to say I'm more painfully self aware than I've ever been. I think part of why my energy levels have been so bad is because of all this work, constantly going on in my mind even when I'm seemingly occupied elsewhere in my life.

I signed up for a speaking gig in a week and a half, and doing things like this and forcing myself out of my comfort zone is, I feel, the next steps in regaining my ability to function in society. I used to be at least capable of pretending to be an extrovert and speaking to others in ways that weren't totally an embarrassment. Signing up for these things, even small things, can feel overwhelming and terrifying, so I'm trying to go at a good pace, but I hope that 2025 can include more of this.

I don't want to be afraid, but I am. I don't want to feel the way that I feel sometimes, but I do. Accepting that and being okay with where I'm at while striving for a better, more hopeful tomorrow has been a difficult balancing act.

I have lost 25 lbs this year and hope to lose more before the year ends. I have other goals for winter regarding getting in better shape physically, but they feel a bit overwhelming right now, so I'll save those for a different day.

I am doing less networking the past few months for DepressiveHacks. I'm doing less writing, but occassionally, it still flows like it used to. Basically, I'm still here when I'm up for it. It's a shame; I saw a lot of potential for 2025 and wanted to hit Q4 running, but acceptance is important and I've done what I can. I wish I was writing for these big web3 publications, but that's legwork and networking I haven't felt up for, and that's okay, too.

I never did catch on with another project after Birdie closed down at the end of Q1 this year. I don't think I was meant to. I think I needed this time for myself. It's funny, because every time I feel bored and hungry for something new, I'll have another depressive day in a few days that reminds me that I'm not feeling well enough on a consistent basis to commit. Committing when you know bad days are coming is hard. That's another challenge I'm still working on.

So, basically, the tl;dr is that things are going okay. I'm moving in the right direction. Slowly, but surely. Seasonal depression is arriving, which just means more bad days than normal, but I'm working on a plan for that and will continue to do what I can when I can across every area of my life that I am capable of.

Thank you, as always, for being here and reading my writing. Go call someone today and see how they're doing. Send a text to someone telling them that you love them. You really don't know what someone is going through and what it could mean for someone.